Never Underestimate The Power of A Woman

This post is dedicated to one of my dearest and oldest friends. We met in the sixth-grade and something about her vibrant energy let me know way back then that she would always be a part of my life. When she wasn't a part of my life my soul longed to be reunited with her. She is the mother that I always knew that she would be, and the friend that makes my heart sing. I love you and I will be here for your you until my days here on earth come to an end. Your pain makes my heart ache yet I know that you will get through this. The sun always shines after the rain.

A few months ago I caught wind that a dear friend of mine was having some struggles in her marriage; the kind of struggles that may not be fixable. Four-years ago she had a beautiful fairy-tale style wedding in Brooklyn, and she married a man that she loved since the eighth-grade. When I opened the pages of the New York Daily News, and saw one of her beautiful wedding pictures I quickly cut it out and placed it in my Bible. Her wedding bliss made my heart sing with joy. It represented everything that I had read in the pages of "The Secret", by Rhonda Byrne in regard to attracting the type of love that you want in your life. My joy for my friend made me visualize a relationship that would withstand the test of time; the kind of storybook romance between two individuals that would for sure grow old with one another. During the course of her marriage she gave birth to two of the most beautiful children that I've ever seen. When she was eight and a half-months pregnant with her first child she decided to extend her warm loving nature by helping out her best friend that was going through an awful divorce at the time. She did the noblest thing possible without ever second guessing herself and moved her best friend into her home. Her trust for both her husband and her best friend beyond a shadow of a doubt. It never crossed her mind that years later she would come to regret her decision immensely. Her best friend became more like a close relative and there were no time constraints placed on when she needed to leave. She was in the delivery room for the births of the couple's two children and she cooked and housecleaned their home like a live-in housekeeper. With everyone getting along so well and the increasing demand motherhood placed on my friend there was no need to push her best friend to move out.

Many of you are probably contemplating the end of this story. I will let you write your own ending because whatever happened or didn't happen was not my motivation for writing this post. My motivation for this post came when I received a forwarded email from my friend. The forwarded email was a response to an email that her husband sent her earlier that day. He briefly explained, over wording that seemed dry and insincere that he wanted his wife to come home to a house that he hasn't been at in months (my friend went out of state for the holidays to emerge herself in the love of her family). As much advice I offer regarding different relationship scenarios I find it difficult to offer advice to those closest to my heart. Marriage is such a touchy subject nowadays, and I never want to say "yay" or "nay", and have that advice come back to haunt me later. was quite different because it involved someone so close to my heart. In this situation, I made the very false assumption that the tough cookie I have always known my friend to be would somehow crumble and choose her marriage over herself. I'm proud to say that with this assumption I made a total ass of myself. As I read this deeply heartfelt email my friend sent her husband I marveled at her strength. Sentence after sentence she got stronger and stronger as she called her husband out on every occurrence from the first day that things in her home just didn't seem right. She called him out for each and every time that he called her "crazy"; for each and every time that he stripped her of her dignity. For each and every time that she "protected" his lack of innocence, and for every ounce of embarrassment that her family and friends had to witness her go through. She wrote her email with grace; the grace that can only be known when one has truly begun to make peace with a particular situation. Through all the hurt she wrote her email with Love and with Peace. She acknowledged and took ownership of the role that she played in allowing her husband to disrespect her and right at that very moment she took all of her power back. Her email left no room for misunderstanding.

My jaw literally dropped as I read on. My friend advised her husband that she would be resigning effective immediately from her position of "moron". She provided him with the information that she is AWAKE and no longer turning an oblivious eye. She let him know that she was no longer, "stuck on stupid", and trust me if I was a divorce attorney I would take her case on pro bono. My friend further liberated herself from what has been an ongoing nightmare in her life. She took ACTION toward having the life that she always deserved by serving her husband with papers. On the contrary, "No", she did not file for divorce and I commend her for that as well. It shows that she is not emotionally charged and that she is taking the appropriate time needed to weigh the odds of that decision. She filed for custody of the couple's two children and she filed for child support, which she is more than entitled to. She took her power back from her husband that abused it. She took her power back from the man that took her for granted. She took her power back from the husband that tried to play her for a fool. She took her power back from her husband that tried desperately to steal her God-given right to joy. She took her power back when she gave me the permission to write her story.

I'm going to take one brief moment her to address the men and the women in this world that live with envious hearts. I would like to heal all of you because your group in my opinion is the most dangerous to the human race. Your group supersedes race, gender, and culture. Your group preys upon the things that others have, and you take away from mankind moving forward. Your group needs the most healing and the most care because your group has the most damaged hearts. Your group knows jealousy too but chooses envy over it. The word shame is in the dictionary for a reason and I'd like to share its definition with you. Shame - "Dishonor, a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace". I have no right to pass judgment on any of you but I will say this, the Universe will continue giving you more of what you ask for. If the definition I just provided appeals to more of what you want then just be prepared for everything that you will receive. I pray for your group and I do my best to identify you when I find you anywhere within my circle.

The heartache behind the mistrust, betrayal, and disrespect of my friend's marriage may never go away. She has taught both of her children a valuable lesson in self-love. It isn't worth compromising for anyone in this world. Her connection with her inner core is what will help her to heal. I'm so very proud of her and I will read that email anytime I feel weak on my own journey. Self-love is uplifting and the words surrounding it can offer strength. My friend has given true meaning to the saying, "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Much Luv

~BC~

..

"My love, look what you can do..."

random musings...

Just got back from a "date" with the Sister-In-Law!

Love her!

She looked beautiful and I kind of looked like the butch one if we were a lesbian couple instead of sisters.

Maybe it's finally time to work on that.

It was my first night out without either of my Boys, both Baby and Big, and I missed them terribly!

We saw "Eclipse" and I think I texted Pete about twenty times.

"How's the baby? Still sleeping?"

As if he could sleep without me. Pfffft.

(He went down like an angel and hasn't woken up since his Daddy laid him in his crib. The nerve.)

When I came in, I kissed him on his head because even though he's asleep I'm sure he'd like to know that his Mommy is home!

Still...I truly enjoyed my night out! I am so lucky in my family, and perhaps most lucky in the sister I gained!

Dinner was delicious, the conversation was great, the movie was awesome (my favorite of the series so far!)!

I'm a wife and a mama, but I'm also me, and a night out was good (even if I was itching to get back to my sweet Boys!).

There is so much more to share, so much more to talk about. Our awesome holiday weekend, my nieces dance recital (sooooooo cute!), and some of the things that have been on my mind. Plus, my camera is in my bedroom and I don't want to disturb PJ by going to get it, so the sharing of pictures will have to be for another time!

For tonight though, it's off to sleep in my (thankfully!) air conditioned bedroom, where I will sleep next to my sweet husband and dream of shirtless teenage werewolves know how lucky I am to have the family I do!

Goodnight!

The Importance of Stillness

Dear BC Readers:



I'd like to share this story to let you know how my journey has led me to all of you. My hope is that you will connect and understand that even if we stray from our destined paths we can always find our way back. This is how I found stillness and oneness with my inner self.



On the morning of April 24th, 2010, I woke up at the crack of dawn as I often do every morning. I looked out of my hotel window onto the glorious sight you see above. I remember taking a very deep breath and exhaling in a way that a person exhales only when they are fully entrenched in the moment. Nothing skipped my view at that moment. Not the beautiful way the palm trees moved in the wind, or the way the sun peaked through the early morning sky, or the way the waves moved in succession. I watched the early morning joggers down on the boardwalk and I wondered briefly what motivates them to be up and out so early for exercise? Life presented itself to me in it's simplest form of beauty and I stopped everything to pay attention and watch. For the first time in maybe 20 some odd years, I wasn't worried about my early morning cup of coffee. The only sound I was conscious of was the sound of my own breathing. There was this awesome feeling of divinity and a feeling that I deserved to be exactly where I was. I've always been a spiritual person (I do not go to church) and yet I never question God's presence (Divine presence) in my life. The experience I had in the window that day was deeper than most I'd ever encountered. I stood there calm, and still, and I only moved away for an instant to grab my camera in order to try and capture the moment. I felt God's presence and I knew my trip to Miami Beach would have nothing to do with partying or shopping like I had initially imagined. I felt like I was being nudged yet I had no idea why and at the very same time I had a very strong sense of comfort surrounding me. The beach was calling and I knew I would spend my days there.



Worry and fear stayed back home in NYC. They didn't follow me on my trip and needless to say I was glad. I was also in town to see my girlfriend's new baby and I was genuinely excited and anticipated how great that would be. You see, living in a fast-paced city like NYC can make a person unintentionally overlook all the precious things that life has to offer. People can tell us a million times that "Life is short", but how often do we bask in that thought? The birds, trees, flowers, new babies, and even animals are things in life that I typically don't take the time to really see. Of course every now and then I'll take a long inhale of a flower's scent or I'll notice how blue the sky is but generally I miss out on these things because I'm constantly on the go. I'm often so fixated on just catching my morning bus and train that I forget to be still. I forget to live in the now vs focusing on the future or spending time reflecting on my past. My bills tend to consume my thoughts as well from time to time and that keeps me on a "hustle and flow" movement. I was in Miami Beach and the most surprising thing to me was that I was fully there. I wasn't worried about anything other than eating, relaxing, and thanking God for the moment. Nothing escaped my eyes as the essence of peace surrounded me. When I walked to Dunkin Donuts that morning, I saw every boat, every beach home, every water fountain and every lizard and bug lol. I was there in that city and that city had all of me, (my full undivided attention). My coffee tasted better than it had in years and food had a taste that I had never before taken the time to notice. I ate things that were unfamiliar and I was excited doing that. I remember sitting on the floor Indian-style at an excellent Thai restaurant in a city called Aventura. Every morsel of food seemed exquisite. I had, "satay gai" and "lobster pad thai" and neither one seemed more delicious than the other. I was at peace in a way that only being fully present can allow a person to be. I wasn't preoccupied with anything, well at least I thought I wasn't. The little electronic handheld device in my purse was the only thing that was keeping me from being completely still.



I wanted to share the feelings I was having with all of my friends and family back home and on facebook. The happiness I was experiencing seemed to be a litte foreign and foolishly I originally associated those feelings with my hotel, which I'm wondering if I should even plug ok, (The Fountainebleau) and being in Miami Beach. To my hotel's credit the ambiance is extremely tranquil and resort like. So that morning I uploaded pictures and made comments indicating my every move. After having breakfast at Ihop I headed back to my hotel and finally gave into the pull I was feeling toward the ocean. I'll share another secret with my readers; I am deathly afraid of sharks. I love to swim so the contradiction usually meets with me opting to swim in pools vs oceans. I don't know how a housing-project kid from Brooklyn develops a shark phobia but I have one. I am so ridiculously, and deathly afraid of sharks that I would hit my girlfriend up on her cell phone before I left New York and I would text, "Have you ever seen a shark in the water out there?", and she would respond, "No, B". The anxiety I felt about the ocean in Miami lingered that entire week before I left NYC. Now, here I was feeling like I needed to bypass my hotel's gorgeous pool and head straight for the ocean. That feeling was so bizarre at the time. They say in life that with God there are no such thing as coincidences. Let me share what the man upstairs was brewing. About 20 mins after I arrived on that beach something conveniently ironic happened. It was 85 degrees that day so when I left my hotel room I decided to walk with a spray bottle of water just in case it got really hot. I failed to properly close the filled water bottle and threw it in my beach bag. I left the room almost forgetting that my Blackberry was on the charger. I grabbed it and threw it in my beach bag. The water spilled and my Blackberry would be a wrap for the next 3 days of my trip. You can't be fully present and technologically co-dependent at the same time lol. I will always credit God for what happened to my phone that day in a good way.



As I entered the ocean, which quickly became a daily recurrence and often more than once a day. I began to notice a few things. The one thing that stood out the most was that my fear of sharks had drastically diminished. I'm not going to tell you that it miraculously disappeared because it didn't but I would go out deeper and deeper less concerned about sharks and more concerned with leaving my baggage in the water. I collected years and years of baggage. The kind of baggage Erykah Badu, describes in her hit "Bag Lady". For those of you that are familiar with that joint, I missed a lot of buses over the years. For those of you who aren't familiar just know that baggage can really hold you down. Here I was in a new state and had the feeling of peace that I never realized I was missing in my life. What I find most difficult to do in my city is to drown out the noise of my busy day to day. What I found in Miami Beach was a way to easily do so. Life is what we make it and this was the feeling I started to identify with. I always knew that God had a plan for my life I just couldn't seem to put my finger on exactly what that plan entailed. I started thinking about the things I was naturally good at. I've always had a spirit to motivate and encourage others. I don't do so well taking my own advice, (but we'll save that for another article) lol. When I finally went to see my friend's new baby the shift that was occurring inside of me on this trip was even easier to see.



I can't tell you how often someone I know or someone they know has a baby. Countless Baby Shower's, and 1st Birthday parties are often on my agenda. The anticipation to see my friend's baby in Miami was a feeling that I was unfamiliar with. I don't have any Godchildren, which should tell you that no one has identified that connection in me to their child. That used to be a very disappointing feeling for me yet I realize that in all of my ripping and running I haven't taken the time to show anyone how much I love and/or appreciate their child. It's one thing to love and adore your own children but when you can extend those feelings to someone else's child then that really says something about your character. The parents of that precious child have seen something in you that reminds them of God or of God's likeness. I couldn't believe how present I was in every moment of seeing this dear, sweet, beautiful little girl. From the moment I reached out to pick her up I was fully aware, present and connected. I was still. I had heard from my friend that her daughter had that type of effect on everyone but knowing myself so well I was surprised at how I connected. I really believe I connected with this baby because I was being still and I was connected with my inner self. Not to mention this baby has a tremendous spirit that is warm and inviting. Conveniently, my girlfriend had to work that day and I was more than obliged to stay at her house and watch the baby. I was connected with everything about this baby from her tiny feet and hands to her beautiful eyes. This is what happens when your being still. Stillness allows us to see everything in a different light and when we can see things in a different light we tend to experience them differently. I found stillness in April 2010, and I have been changed ever since. I walk with a new found stillness and peace that I hope to pass onto others. I appreciate things in a way that I never have before. My creative abilities are at an all time high and I can feel the gentle presence of God pushing me forward and letting me know that I am back on the path that he has always intended for me. Thank you for reading.



Much Luv

~BC~

When Love Goes Dangerously Wrong...

I had dinner with a girlfriend on Tuesday night at Beckett's on Stone Street. She sent me an email earlier that day, which read that she was beginning to feel "obsessed" with her long time boyfriend. Anytime I hear words like "obsessed", they strike concerned in me. I knew I had to meet with her that night because I wanted to help her work through exactly how this four-year relationship went wrong. Just to offer a little background, let me start off by saying that my friend's man is 10 years her senior. She is a successful law student, working for reputable firm in NYC, and she is preparing to take both her bar exam and her CPA certification exam. Her man is an MPA graduate living at home with his dad. My initial observance of her revealed a young lady confused, frustrated, and visibly hurt. She comes from a large family who loves and supports her daily yet that just isn't enough. She is looking for this same support and love from a man who has almost altogether stopped giving it to her. As we sat and waited for our food I asked her to take me way back to the start of the relationship. I think it's easy for us "advice givers" to just see a bad situation and to advise the hurt person to get out. The logic in that for us is that if something hurts just leave it alone and happiness will be restored. Problem with this way of thinking is that it leaves out empathy and respect for the person involved. I approached this situation very differently. I decided to give advice as if I knew without a doubt the couple were going to stay together. Not that this was outcome I was hoping for but to have respect for not only my friend but for a relationship that she has felt has been worth the last four-years of her life. The 1st question I asked her was what bought the union together in the 1st place and she explained that his good looks and caring ways was the start. They met as students in college way back when and he had her hooked since then. Her face lit up like a Christmas Tree in Rockerfeller Ctr. with this being said. Culturally they are from two totally different sides of the fence. I then asked what was the 1st sign that the relationship was in trouble? She said, "Lies". She said as early as 5-months into their dating she found out through her own investigations that her man had a 7 year-old daughter and then later found out that he had 14 year-old son with a different mother. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Why would he leave this out?", but again my empathy had taken over and I was just there to listen.



We went on to talk about the lies, and the betrayal in him telling them. My friend who has no children revealed that she tried genuinely to embrace and to accept the children she never knew about and the mothers that came attached with them. She befriended both of the childrens' mothers and came to the conclusion that her man really had no relationship with his children. As much as she tried to encourage a healthy relationship between them she admitted the jealousy and insecurity she began to feel each and everytime he had to leave her to go and be with them. I admittedly understood her feelings and honestly to her credit because she didn't know about the children to begin with her feelings made perfect sense. Her immediate family lives outside of New York City and she spent sometime reflecting on how she limited her time spent with them to keep a closer eye on him. She regretted not spending time with her 92 year-old grandmother who died in the midst of her relationship. She held back tears by this point and I brought her back to the present. I asked her what she was doing to mend or disconnect from this relationship and her answers pleasantly surprised me. She let me know that she called her cell phone provider and asked for her number to appear to be disconnected. Anyone who called from any particular number would receive a standard message stating that the subscriber is not taking calls. I said, "Ok what else?". She said she looked at an apartment within her same neighborhood (that he was unaware of ) and she decided to take it. I said, "I'm impressed". She explained, that with all of her actions in place she still felt undeniably vulnerable to her man. She said she never expected the relationship to end but even more so she never expected it to end like this. I told her that I was far from convinced that she was done with him but first I commended her for making huge steps forward towards her own self-respect.



Being a victim of Domestic Violence once myself I couldn't help sensing that some of that was going on here. I asked her if she had ever been "hit" by her boyfriend and she was adament about the fact that he had never "hit" her and right then our conversation took a drastic turn. She said, "Wait a minute", "Is pushing and grabbing to the point of bruising considered Domestic Violence?". I said, "yes". She said, "He always told me it wasn't". She said, "I asked him" and I said, "His job as your abuser was not to tell you sweetheart". She said, "Wow". For just a split second I checked out mentally and slipped into a thought of how much control my own abuser had over me. I remember thinking how bad I'd wished just one person had taken the time to sit down and have this same conversation with me. This was a short moment between me and God because at that moment I realized how important this message to my friend need to be delivered. I realized that my approach would mean all the difference in her returning to this man or not. I checked back in and she managed to reveal years of infidelity, an engagement to another woman, verbal abuse, and worse of all, subtle displays of physical abuse. A long track-record of a less than good man was open and on the table and we were reviewing it with careful detail. A light bulb came on as she begin to listen to herself tell her own intimate and personal story.



She said, "I don't feel like kissing him anymore". I said, "Why do you think that is?" She said, "I don't know. I said, "You're beginning to love yourself more than you love him". I asked her if she had any relationship with her man's family and vice versa and she said, "no". There was a religion difference within the relationship with her being a Muslim and him being a Catholic. I asked her what she would have wanted for her future children if in fact the relationship went forward and she explained that it would be most important to her that the children would be practicing Muslims. I asked had she discussed this with him and if so what was his response? She said, "He told me that he would take my kids to the Catholic Church for Christmas". I asked her how she felt about that and she said, "I don't want that". I had a Rev Run moment and thought, "Listen to people when they tell you who they are". I asked her if she thought he was joking with her when he said this and I went on to say these are not the signs that you can continue to ignore. I told her she would be setting herself up for total future disaster. Not only because this guy does the bare minimum for his own children but because he would have her future kids sitting at Mass on Christmas as promised guaranteed! I said, "Are you listening when he says things like this to you?" I asked her if she had a facebook page and she said, "No, he wouldn't approve of that". I told her there are plenty of great Muslim guys out there that are looking for the same things she is looking for as far as keeping their religion sacred. As a writer I keep a pen in pad in my purse always. I bust it out on that table and I made two columns right there in front of her. One said, "Pros" and one said "Cons". Cons must be derived from the word Convict because our Con side looked like a criminal's rap sheet. I told her let's write up the list and weigh the results.



The guy was currently unemployed, (which sadly can happen to anyone), verbally and somewhat physically abusive, unable to contribute to her household responsibilities yet sharing her bed every night that he wasn't interested in going home, 10-years older than my beautiful youthful friend and contributing to years of stress, anxiety, and insecurity. I felt like the proof was in the paperwork but I knew after 4-years of committed investment my friend was not ready to simply walk away. She began talking about the importance of no premarital sex within her family and her religion. She said her partner had threatened her on countless occasions that if she walks out on their relationship he will tell her family about the sex. Exploitation and blackmail were added to the cons side of our list. I'm thinking one ass whipping from my mans and them in the hood and this dude will stop talking so reckless. What could I do or say to make this girl understand her worth and then it dawned on me, "nothing". She would have to come to this realization on her own regarding her own self-worth. I would serve best just being her friend, praying for her safety, and letting her know that she is not in the world alone. I left our dinner letting her know that the reason she looks for Love and Respect from her man is because that is what all of her childhood relationships with family and friends have offered her. I asked her what she missed most about the woman she was four-years ago (who she used to be) before she became this relationship? She said, "B, I miss how much fun I was!", I said, "I will help you get back to being that fun-loving person"! This article is for you! You know who you are!